No, you can't just be the Pink Power Ranger.

So Halloween's coming up, which means it's time to shell out 50 bucks- or 100, if your costume's deluxe- on a polyester velcro nightmare that'll be so gross by the end of the night that you'll just end up chucking it. Like you'd even wash that shit. The seams rip by  touching them.


My knight costume is in the making, after I gave up on finding anything remotely realistic or cool.

Women: We wear heels for war, right?

Since I'm making my costume, I thought I was done with the depressing rigmarole of hunting through the options this year, but nope. Nope nope noooope. I got the dumb idea that maybe a Power Ranger costume would be cool next year. The female options were limited to the pink one, because I guess no one cares much for yellow? I dunno, I think it's a strong, flattering color. People can't see your imperfections if they're squinting so hard.

But this isn't about colors. It's about Power Ranger costumes; specifically, the mad stupid lack of good ones.

So, Pink Ranger. She's got a glowy pink bow and can crane kick you. That's pretty cool. What about that says go-go dancer? 

Mighty Mod Ranger: Not so good with the crane kicks, but she's got a killer bouffant!

Um, what? Pretty sure my childhood didn't take place in the sixties, and thank god for that. How are you supposed to fight in this? Call me crazy, but I'm supposing someone wants to dress as a Power Ranger because they want to be a fucking Power Ranger. Maybe if you paired some pants with it you can get some kicks in without flashing your pretty pink panties, but I got nothing by way of solutions for the cleave-hole. But maybe I'm looking at warriors all wrong. My bad! You're infinitely more badass if your armor leaves a gaping hole over the thing that keeps you alive. 

A breastplate?! What a filthy casual.

So this was a great first start to the shameful madness to follow. Next up is my favorite, Alien Glasses Glitter Ranger:

I'd never want to look threatening in my Power Ranger costume!

I had a pair of sunglasses sort of like that at one point. They were for a Barbie costume. Which fits, I guess, since this is just Barbie Cheerleader of the Future, except they at least give cheerleaders sensible shoes.

Then we have Pajama Ranger, which at least has a mask? Sort of?

What? I totally curl my hair for bed.

Then we're left with hot girl in a tank dress:

I didn't call it a costume, Amazon did.

The reviews also say it's basically sheer and skin tight, which, hello and welcome to the world of women's clothing: where you have to wear ten things at a time if you don't want your underwear to show. And if you're squinting at the color, you're right to do so because it's red. They sold out of pink already, which means a bunch of you are lazy and you all lose at Halloween.  Or maybe you're smart, cause fuck it, at least it's cotton. If these are the options for a Power Ranger costume you may as well get something you could wear again casually. It's not like it'll fall apart any faster than your other clothes.

But luckily we've still got two options left:

Sassy Ranger comes with a diamond accented glitzy belt and foam padding for your bust! Cause duh, who leaves the house without their bust pad? Not me!

This one's workable. I guess. Though it's the Yellow Ranger who wears a bodysuit. The Pink Ranger has a tunic thing going, and it's not glittery.

...Although I guess that's a lot to ask when they can't even give her proper boots. And again with the bug glasses! This costume is fifty-eight fucking dollars. Want to see the Red Ranger costume that is also fifty-eight dollars?

So what's the deal, he just looks exactly like the character he's dressed as? Booooring.

So women, if you want a mask, you'll have to go hunt one down on Amazon and DIY yourself a hood because none of them have backs. If you want proper boots, you'll have to find them yourself... and then you're still in the glittery pink catsuit. But if you're a man, you get the whole damn costume for $58.99 and no one has to squint at you to figure out what your costume is a bastardization of. 

Or, for $69.99, which is a penny away from seventy goddamn fucking dollars for polyester garbage, you can get this:

You gotta have a little sexy, right? If your whole body is covered, why not wear sexy boots that RENDER YOUR WHOLE FIGHTER COSTUME USELESS JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH THIS SHIT

Those boots aren't included, by the way, so your costume is still going to cost at least $24.99 more if you buy theirs. So it's approximately $95 dollars for the Pink Power Ranger costume that looks like the show, and not a heavily gendered, sexualized mess.

This isn't a generic witch or vampire; something that can be designed however and then you attach a pointy hat or fangs and people still get it. All you have to do for a Power Ranger costume is replicate the Power Ranger costume. I had no idea I'd find out that they can do it for men for $58.99, and they can't even do it properly for women at $95! It's bullshit. Pure bullshit.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be sexy for Halloween. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be sexy period. If I wanted to be sexy, I'd pick a sexy character. I'd be Tinkerbell, or a sassy ladybug, or one of the hundreds of other superheros in catsuits with cleavage windows and bikini bottoms. 

Pictured: Options. Hella options.

Power Rangers weren't sexy, they were just a bunch of cheesy actors in hokey suits on a 90's kid's show. They make a Red Ranger costume that you don't have to dig for and isn't sexy, and a Blue Ranger, and Silver, and Green, and even a male Yellow Ranger.

So... why can't I just be Pink Power Ranger?